i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
