bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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