Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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