Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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