Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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