I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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