In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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