i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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