I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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