I got chris browned last night
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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