Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
