I skipped work to stalk him.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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