i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize