you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
