If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
