We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
