what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
