Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
