WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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