I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
