I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
