I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
