You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
