awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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