apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My ass is underappreciated
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
