I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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