You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize