Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
