Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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