He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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