sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
