I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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