Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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