I wish my penis had an off switch
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
it's great music for shaving your balls
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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