I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
