my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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