you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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