I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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