I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I FOUND THE LEGS
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
