Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize