You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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