he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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