She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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