Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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