You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
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