She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
