Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
