I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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