I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
