Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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