what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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