all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
