she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Randomize
