my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
