the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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