He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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