Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
