a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
