I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize