I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
