No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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