Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
