Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
