its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you will always have a special place in my vag
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
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