Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Sorry my hands just texted you
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
