You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she told me i tasted like america
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
